TEASING, NAME-CALLING, YO-YO FRIENDSHIPS, CLIQUES & BULLYING

Today I write about a problem that unfortunately permeates every school - the age old problem of bullying. How do we deal with bullying in our schools?  While this Blog Post focuses on Catholic schools, I think it readily applies to all schools.  To start, there is a definitional dilemma..... The word "bullying" conjures different thoughts in different folks, but I use it here to refer to a broad range of conduct that is antithetical to any Christ-centered learning institution (and should be antithetical to any learning institution).

I am sure that all of the Catholic schools would self-report that they do not tolerate bullying. And if, by that, they mean they will not tolerate a student pushing, shoving, beating, or in any way touching another student, they would be correct. (At least this kind of misbehavior is now not tolerated, unlike when I was a kid.)  However, "bullying" as I use it here is more far-reaching and includes hurtful teasing (as opposed to good-hearted kidding around), name-calling ("fat" "ugly" "four-eyes" "crybaby" "dog" "cooties", etc. etc.), the problem of cliques, and the problem of "yo-yo friendships" (e.g., you are "in" one day and "out" the next; you are my friend today but ignored tomorrow). These last two categories apply more to girls than boys, but all are a real problem and can cause lasting damage to a child's self-esteem.

The question I raise is how can we, as parents, help schools to put in place policies that specifically state that the less overt - but equally insidious and damaging - "bullying" (teasing, name-calling and the like) will not be tolerated, and then offer practical solutions for teachers, administrators, and parents to detect such (mis)conduct, to correct and discipline the offending student(s), and to work toward making each school truly a Christ-centered learning institution?I suspect that the problem of "bullying" - as I use the term here - is far more prevalent than we are willing to admit. As I said above, when asked, school officials say the right things - bullying is not tolerated here, etc. etc. - but I think they are focusing on a very narrow type of bullying - the kind that is physical in nature. (However, look at the boy in Philly who just died after being physically bullied on the playground at school. The school did nothing about the incident. Whether they will do something now that the child died remains to be seen.)

Sadly, I do not think that the school officials really want to know whether the other kind of bullying - the insidious, psychological bullying - is present in their school. The reason? They are already stretched too thin and they cannot inject themselves into every little problem that a particular student may have. I agree with that, to an extent.  I think it is important, and in most circumstances preferable, for children to try their best to work out their own problems.  Having an adult (teacher or parent) always on hand to "fix" the problem does not do the child any good in the long run. However, my suggestion is not to have the adults inserting themselves into every little problem.  Rather, let's try to give the kids some tools to work out their problems.

For example, is there a way to make "bullying" (teasing, ostracizing, name-calling, exclusion, etc.) "uncool"?  Conversely, is there a way to make it "cool" for students to stand up to "bullies" (again, using the word most broadly) and even for them to report the misconduct if necessary?  Is there a way to make "respect for their fellow students" something that is encouraged every day?  Ideas that come to my mind include: using the daily prayers as a vehicle for raising awareness of the problem and its adverse effects; and making respect for others a part of classroom activities - with teachers constantly teaching children the importance of respect.  Children could be asked to volunteer ways that we show disrespect for others and then to tell what respect would look like. We could ask them how they would feel if the disrespect were directed toward them.  We could follow that with a challenge for the children to examine their consciences about whether they ever showed disrespect, stood by while they witnessed another student do so, and/or whether they have ever been the person to whom the disrespect was directed.  Students could be asked how they might challenge themselves to be more respectful of others.

I am also interested in ideas to combat the problem of "yo-yo friendships" and cliques.  Arguably, these problems are more prevalent among and for girls.  Significantly, these problems (like most everything else) are starting younger and younger.  My daughter is only in the first grade and is already reeling from "yo-yo friendships." One day, girl X wants to play with her and be her friend; the next day the same girl X is running away from her.  Yo-yo friendships are hard for older girls to understand - they are impossible to explain adequately to the little girls.

While I do not think that a school can - or should - "make" any one student be friends with another, I do think that a school can - and should - make all students know that they must respect all people. This means respecting the fat kids, the stinky kids, the kids who wear glasses, the kids who are super-smart, the kids who are not so smart, the kids with acne, the kids who are not great athletes, the kids who live in another part of town, etc. etc. Telling the student being bullied to "ignore it" does nothing to empower that child.  We need to find an effective way to teach the targeted children how to deal with bullies (and this they must learn, as bullies certainly exist in the "real world"), and to teach the bullies that their behavior is not cool and will not be tolerated.

My suggestion is that the students be taught about respect day in and day out, so that respect becomes as much a part of their foundation as are reading, writing, arithmetic, the Pledge of Allegiance, and daily prayers. Of course, respect is taught and reinforced first and foremost by the family. However, given the amount of time our children are in school and given the critical socialization that takes place there, it must be incumbent on our schools to teach and reinforce the importance of respect - not just toward adults, but toward their classmates and schoolmates as well. For those of us with children in Catholic schools, isn't this at least part of the reason we chose a Catholic education for our children?

It is my hope (and belief) that if the teachers know (and are regularly reminded) how destructive this kind of behavior is to the long-term well-being of the children, look for it, and correct it - in keeping with the demand for respect from all students to all students - the problem will diminish and our children can keep to the business of learning!